Recently, I have had a experiences that have caused me to pause, reflect, and reevaluate my religious beliefs. It has really set me into a deep reflection mode as I want to answer as openly and honestly as I know how--more so for myself than anything else. I thought, maybe--just maybe this could help someone else. So here it is, some of my thoughts.
Last week, I
went through my journals to look at how my testimony has developed over the
years and where it has originated—I went back to 2010. (In high school, it
appeared I was regularly so happy, excited about life and the gospel.) But it was when I went
to live on my own, pulling away from the constant influence of family, where I
started to question and discover for myself the truthfulness of the gospel---and
experience the most growth.
I noticed, following this entry, my conviction of this
gospel gradually started to become stronger. As I studied and lived what I was
learning—insights flooded my mind and heart and my relationship with the Savior
grew. I started to see a common theme—every entry I mentioned God or His Son or
this gospel. I.E. We ran the marathon in St. George in 2011 and quote: “To me, RUNNING IS SACRED. The veil becomes so thin. You
experience the power of one of God’s greatest creations, our bodies.
GOD IS THE REASON I FINISHED.
The last three miles….I
pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me finish, to help me put one foot in
front of the other, to give me the strength to endure the pain.”
Sept. 2011--> Talking about
school, teaching, dating, etc.
“The Reason. I am SOOOO blissfully happy. I also am SOOOO busy. Most days,
I honestly don’t know how I will accomplish everything I set out to do but
somehow everything important gets done. I feel the comfort, protection,
and strength from a higher power. No one can tell me there is not a
God. God exists. His Son, Jesus Christ, is
the Savior and Redeemer of the world. I feel God in EVERYTHING I do. He is not only
the reason but is the means by which I am able to do all of these things.
I do not know where or what I will be doing in the future but I feel confident
in the path I am taking right now to take me to the places I need and want to
go. I feel peace. I feel joy.”
And then I came across this one:
^^Garden of Gethsemane
Anyway, the
reason I am showing you some of my journal entries is to show you a common
theme throughout the last 6-7 years of my life: I have had too many experiences where God has instilled peace, comfort,
happiness, security etc., to deny His existence. The gospel makes me so insanely happy. I
didn’t just make these experiences up—I truly felt them. And I continue to have these experiences as I
get older…
The one experience that has testified
to me of a living, loving God more than anything else I have experienced and
something that I hold closest to my heart is Finn. The whole process of
conception, pregnancy, and his birth was nothing short of miraculous. My body
created a human being—a human being that can think, feel, breath, and live
independently. The complexity and capabilities of our human bodies alone
testifies, to me, of a higher power. God has given us this ability to become
more like him—a creator. The veil has been more transparent in my life, than it
ever has before. I feel of God’s immense love for Finn (and I am grateful for
Him allowing me to experience such intense feelings of love and light)—I feel
of Him molding me and shaping me with this little angel who still remembers
Him. As his mother, I sense Finn’s strong spiritual connection with him. I
often see it when I am not expecting it: often times, I find him looking at a
picture of the Savior or watch him light up and be comforted as he hears “I am a
Child of God” as if he knows what it all means or experience the overwhelming feelings
that I am sure our Heavenly parents have when they looks at us. I know Heavenly
Father lives.
I know my testimony is greatly
attributed to things I have felt or experienced more than websites I have
researched and books I have read…but if everything were perfectly logical and
easy to believe in (without any unknowns or uncertainties), How would faith
exist? How would we have agency? We would all believe, wouldn’t we? Faith
requires all of us to step out of what we know in order to feel God’s truth. Sometimes
we may feel like Peter, terrified by the storms surrounding us, yet determined
to come to Christ. We may find ourselves stepping into the unknown to come unto
him, with faith we shall not fall, for faith in the Lord is Power! I can assure
you, you will find out for yourself!
Random Note:
Yesterday, on
Easter. I went to hear Grandma Linda’s lesson about Faith Crisis and Staying on
the Boat. We discussed how easily it is for people to abandon ship (abandon the
gospel) when questions and doubts surface (especially in this age of technology and anyone's ability to read/post on the internet). Anyway, I was
thinking about what causes most of people doubts when it comes to the Churchà well, usually it stems from things
people with power do or, in some cases, do not do (including the prophet Joseph
Smith). As I was wrestling with these
different thought processes and the things I have learned and things I don't know much about, a simple thought popped into my head…Joseph Smith was
a prophet of the Restoration. He was
responsible for teaching with clarity and conviction about the gospel, about the
Savior and His Atonement, to all mankind who would come after. How else would he acquire a testimony of
great magnitude of the Atonement without living it himself? If he had never experienced the Savior’s
power and influence in his life, how could he gain a perfect knowledge of its
existence? It’s one thing to be told about it but an entirely different level
of connection and knowledge to live it/experience it, firsthand. Aside from Jesus alone, no man on the Earth
is or has ever been perfect. If they were, we wouldn’t need a Savior. In no
way am I justifying people’s mistakes. But to expect people to live entirely
perfect is merely foolish, after all, the necessity for the Atonement is what
unifies us all as children of God. We are all loved
equally amongst the Lord.
I don't have all of the answers and I am still seeking for answers on some things but I choose to believe despite the unknowns. The Savior has touched my life tremendously. I cannot doubt His or My Father in Heaven's existence. I know They live. I feel it.
:) This makes my heart happy.
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