To all of those who are fighting to save a relationship, maintain a healthy one, or any who have lost hope in finding joy in love or marriage, I have something to say. To preface: I have yet so much to learn in this life but I felt I needed to share some of the things I have recently learned-->the hard way, I might add--> in hopes that it may benefit another.
For some it may be nauseating to watch or listen to a couple radiating with love, rejoicing in their joys and journeys. I get it. Lately, I have felt like I have been in a dream. I am not in reality. Marriage is far greater than anything I could have imagined or experienced and I never want to wake up…BUT I must explain something, love is so much more complicated, and it seems as the sugarcoated version is always on display. Last year, I used to be that bilious onlooker. Months ago, I was one who lost all faith in the concept of love and a happy married life--and part of it, I was engaged. (Ironic, eh?)
For some it may be nauseating to watch or listen to a couple radiating with love, rejoicing in their joys and journeys. I get it. Lately, I have felt like I have been in a dream. I am not in reality. Marriage is far greater than anything I could have imagined or experienced and I never want to wake up…BUT I must explain something, love is so much more complicated, and it seems as the sugarcoated version is always on display. Last year, I used to be that bilious onlooker. Months ago, I was one who lost all faith in the concept of love and a happy married life--and part of it, I was engaged. (Ironic, eh?)
Today, I cracked open my “I Decide” journal.
Q: What is it the "I Decide" journal?
A: For over a year, now, I have had a
journal (currently 113 pages long)—single-spaced with pictures, quotations,
emails, advice [from family, scholars, friends] and mostly personal feelings
and insights. No one has read it.
(Carson has seen snippets, I guess.) I only wrote matters of my heart in this journal. Nothing else.This journal symbolizes a time in my life that I would prefer never relive but it was a time of monumental
growth and spiritual insight.
I won’t go into detail for your sake and for mine but I do want
to share some things that may be valuable to those who are hurting or who are
lost or who just want to be comforted. It was not easy to get here and I feel I would be dishonoring that difficult journey by not benefiting another in some small way....
A few random golden treasures that helped me (hopefully some will help you):
*God can and does heal the broken. I would not be where I am today without a loving Father in Heaven who knows and cares for His children. His power is far greater than any other power or influence. God will help us tear down the walls. Heavenly Father can/will open your eyes and your heart if you let Him.
*Heed to the revelation received, God's ways our always better than our ways. However, we have to do our part to receive it. He believes in us. We have agency and we are expected to use it. (Sometimes a decision may just be a personal preference; there may not be a right or wrong but this is where you come in.) ACT, don’t be acted upon.
*Love is a VERB, it is an action word. We must show it even at times we don’t feel it. If you want to receive, you must give it in return.
Carson's #1 piece of advice:
*SERVE THE OTHER PERSON. Turn the focus to your partner (key component to a healthy marriage) and forget about yourself. Your relationship will blossom. As you serve as the Savior served, your footsteps will be guided in the direction you should go--marriage or elsewhere. Not once did the Savior worry about Himself but yet He was always guided.
*HUGE ONE: debunking our beloved and dysfunctional cultural myths about love, romance, and marriage. Gosh, this is fantastic: READ THIS!
* Solo time rejuvenates. Challenge: take 15 minutes of your day and set it aside for yourself and do something just for you! It will keep you sane.
*Happiness is a CHOICE. Many of times it was my attitude, not the circumstance that changed and made all of the difference.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
*No relationship is perfect because it is made up of imperfect people. It is okay to have hiccups. It's normal. (People just don't regularly talk about them so you never know!)
*Priesthood Power and Blessings save lives. Ask for one if you need it.
(for those who do not know what the priesthood is, click here.)
*Be loyal and faithful.
Give of your heart and yourself to one, and one only.
*Communication is key. Talk don't assume.
*Learn to love the person (whom you are in a relationship with) for all that they are: weaknesses and all. Don't be so critical. Seriously, though (I learned my lesson the hard way.) Be caring and sensitive. Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love, assume the good and doubt the bad. (Holland) (1 Cor. 13:7.) Besides, the imperfections make us so lovable and unique!
*Sometimes we just need to enjoy where we are. STOP looking so much into the future for fear of losing the present.
* "I ask not for a lighter burden, but for a stronger back."
*There's such a thing as complicated grieving= chick-flics (fictitious anyway) and chocolate just won't do and that is fine, you are completely normal.
*Sometimes you won't know what you have until you have lost it. Maybe the best things are just right under your nose. (I don't recommend trying this one ;) )
*The grass may appear greener on the other side but it is always greener where you water it. Pick a side and consciously BE there!
*At times I felt like I was a ball of clay. The Lord is molding me and shaping me. I am being pushed and molded into the woman that He wants me to be and a woman that I know I can become. However, the pushing and molding part really hurts...but it is worth it!
Quotations:
“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
*Your parents have wisdom. Listen to them. They often can see things that you cannot see yourself with emotions flying and pressures mounting. My very wise and loving mother emailed this to me one day:
One of the most important qualities that keep a marriage
healthy is emotional availability from both partners. Find someone who is
available to you emotionally. Find someone who likes to do what you do,
but also who you can talk to anytime. Find someone you feel you can be
"safe" with if you are vulnerable. You should feel secure in
being fearful, scared, excited, worried…etc with them. You should never
feel 'stupid' by thinking or feeling a certain way. You should be able to
be comfortable and comforted with all your inner thoughts and emotions. This kind of partner will want to be with you not only to do fun
things, but also will want to do what is important to you…even if they don't
feel it is important. They will WANT to be there for you. A
life without this is very lonely. Even if your husband is smart,
ambitious, a good provider, spiritual, etc….you will be pervasively lonely
without this.
*You will be bombarded with advice. Much of which will be good advice but that doesn't mean you have to take it all and apply it. Some things worked for some couple's relationships while others prefer something different. Use your best judgements.
*Go to the temple.
* I have spoken over the years with many individuals who have
told me, “I have so many problems, such real concerns. I’m overwhelmed with the
challenges of life. What can I do?” I have offered to them, and I now offer to
you, this specific suggestion: seek heavenly guidance one day at a time. Life
by the yard is hard; by the inch it’s a cinch. Each of us can be true for just
one day—and then one more and then one more after that—until we’ve lived a
lifetime guided by the Spirit, a lifetime close to the Lord, a lifetime of good
deeds and righteousness. The Savior promised, “Look unto me, and endure to the
end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give
eternal life.”6
- Thomas S.
Monson
I know that there are many things I have not experienced and I won't understand. but... I do know
what it feels like to be alone, to lose someone you love, to feel helpless, paralyzed,
hopeless, depressed, to fear regret, to be so lost that your life feels like a
black room with no direction and the only thing you can sense is pain. And I CAN TELL YOU FROM MY EXPERIENCE: DON'T GIVE UP! I know that there is hope for you. Months ago I was in the darkest abyss but today I am feeling more joy than my little heart knew was possible. And although our troubles are only beginning, this happiness and joy I feel now in my life is the greatest blessing I have ever received. It is the sunshine that has pierced the darkness. It, too, can and will happen for you. Just keep fighting, it is worth it.
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